The Never Ending Story

So yesterday at Leadership retreat, while doing worship I felt like I got an image from God. I don’t really remember what the image was now, but somehow it turned into God saying he is the Never Ending Story! I feel as though I am leaving a season boredom. I am not sure why, but for the pas couple of months I have felt somewhat empty. Maybe it had something to do with discovering my future in China and not being able to go. Or maybe the fact that I am about to graduate, and this whole life I have loved, and that has helped me become who I am today is about to leave? Honestly it all scares me. So that has left me no choice to turn to God. And what a good decision that was right!

Anyway back at SALT, I made a promise to God to read my Bible every day and I mean every day. So except for once or twice where I just passed out because I was too tired, I have done it. Before this, I had also been having an empty dream life. I don’t know about you, but my dreams mean almost everything to me. They restore me while I sleep, they are my escape from real life, they are my creativity, they are my inspiration, they are my direct link to God. Without dreams, for some reason I don’t feel close to God. Is that strange? After making the promise, I decided that it would be best to started reading my Bible before I go to bed. I feel that reading my Bible, and then putting my self in a situation where God can speak to me without any interruption, is the best thing to do. Did that work you may be asking? And the answer is a resounding yes! My dreams started  coming back (or as some would say, just to argue, that I was simply remembering them) Either way, they are back! And I am starting to feel closer to God everyday.

So back to the Never Ending Story, sometimes I question whether worshiping God for eternity is really that awesome. I just want to be honest about how I feel. I love praise and worship, but when I think about doing it for eternity, I question whether I would be capable of it. So when God told me that he was the Never Ending Story, it also told me that he is far from boring. He in and of himself is an adventure. Just being able to have a small grasp of the awesomeness and goodness that he is would probably take a million normal lifetimes. I don’t know, but him telling me that was just super reassuring.

In case you don’t know, I have decided to go and teach English in China in the next year or two for about two years. I feel like he was also speaking to me about thing. Not only is China going to be a new adventure for him and I to experience, but the time between then doesn’t have to be boring, and it is not going to be boring. I can feel him calling me onward to use this time to discover some of his mysteries. As my friend Jena was telling me, God is a mysterious God. I think he wants me to discover some of them.

I think I am done for now. Soon I will post an awesome dream I had the other night. I hope you will enjoy it as much I had having it! (I do want to apologize if these blog doesn’t flow, I always feel that I can’t write my thoughts very well because as I type about one thing, I immediately start thinking about another…)

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Ender’s Game

Wow, what an amazing book. I mean, I remember my friends talking about how great it was, but I never realized how true it was. First off I suggest you read it! There is just way to much going on for me to even know where to start, but I do want to start with forgiveness. Gosh even with that word I feel overwhelmed. I don’t even know where to start with it. A very huge part of me is sad. Sad that the way the book portrays human beings as creatures who harbor vengeance and untrust, which is most likely true. But it also shows how a few of us are forgiving, understanding, and loving. I wish that with all my heart I could claim the latter of the two groups. All I can honestly say is that is the way I want to be. Loving, forgiving, trusting… These are words that my heart screams out to be, but yet all the time I see how unloving I am, how unforgiving I am, how untrusting I am. When all you see is the terrible you are, it is so hard to motivate yourself to be the things you wish you were. I know that might not makes sense, but it does to me. When you keep trying and all you seem to do is fail, it makes you to just want to accept that you will never be like that. But for some stupid reason, there is a little part of me that never seems to give up. Anyway I feel as though I have already gotten off topic. Forgiveness. Why do we as humans feel the need to hold grudges or feel it is our right to get vengeance? It never makes us feel better, not if we are truly honest with ourselves. You would think after thousands of years of going through this we would have finally learned that. I don’t know, I feel like talking about the idea of fairness now, I am not sure if they even relate, but for some reason I feel they do to me. Where does this desire for life to be fair stem from. As I typed that I was reminded of Josh talking about Cain and Abel. I can’t help but feel that Cain killing Abel grew from the fact that he felt it was unfair that God preferred Able’s offering over his own. Maybe we are unable to relate to others. And by that I mean, maybe it is human nature to be unable to see anyone’s perspective than our own? Maybe this comes from Adam and Eve’s unwillingness to see from God’s perspective. He created them, he had a right to hide anything he wanted to from them, but they viewed that as unfair? When the serpent tempted them with knowledge that is exactly what they wanted. They wanted to see from God’s perspective without first trying to understand his perspective from theirs? Uggh I don’t know, does that even makes sense? I feel it is possible to try to understand someone’s perspective without having to see from it first. Maybe it isn’t even about being able to understand their perspective, maybe it is the journey of it. How can we be expected to grow if everything is just given to us. I don’t know. I feel that those three words are the theme of my life “I don’t know”, but maybe that is what pushes me. The desire to know. I don’t think the achievement is the knowing though, but the learning. The willingness to admit that you don’t know? Living from a learners perspective. Anyway I think I am done now. I feel that if I keep writing even I will no longer be able make sense of what I am writing. Final words? Forgiveness is important. Life is to short and important to be worried about vengeance. Lets focus on helping to grow each other and not hinder each other.

Gnu’s Room

So here I am at Gnu’s Room. I must say I do love it. Surrounded by all these books, a wonderful barista, and good friends. Who wouldn’t love it here. Listening to the Weepies. Gah…. there is some sadness here though. After going through the closing of Cambridge. Sarah, who is the wonderful barista I was talking about earlier, has had soem rough times. I was glad I was able to be there through some of it. Hopefully that helped her some. But just recently I heard and saw that a new coffee shop/ pastery/ gifts is opening up in a little house across from campus. Right next to where I used to live. Normally I would be whatever about these things, the thing is that it will be between Gnu’s and campus. Gnus is already a little out of the way, which is why they might not have the busiest coffe shop, but now having a new coffee shop  opening between them and campus has them a little worried. Especially since there is absolutly no advertising what so ever. I don’t know I wish I could force everyone to come here, have them fall in love with books, coffee, and Sarah.  Anyway I am enjoying the small moments today. I hope you are too!

Goodbyes…

I have been having to say a lot of goodbyes lately. Something I have never liked honestly. First it was to all the wonderful Chinese. How I miss them even to today. luckily I still get to email them often. And then after that I had to begin to say goodbye to my group members. Boy was that hard. After you say goodbye to 100 sad and crying kids, it kinda makes you a little emotional.  And then you have to say goodbye to this wonderful group of personalities. Not only that, but God was all over us and everything we did, which made it that much harder when they had to leave. Then I had to say goodbye to China its self. Gosh was that hard and scary at the same time lol. I missed my flight. When we asked them if they could get me another flight. They said that the rest of the flights were  full and that I would have to wait till the next day to see if a spot was open. Lets talk about scary. Not that I wanted to leave, but staying wasn’t exactly part of the plan. We prayed and prayed, and luckily God does answer prayers as he says he does. I was able to catch the flight at the next hour. I got in line to go through security and my heart was suddenly caught in my chest. All I wanted to do was stay. Obviously that wouldn’t have turned out like I wanted, you know, visa expirering and  all. So i boreded the plaine. And I had to say goodbye. I came back and I was sure I was done with goodbyes, only to find out that one of my best friends was leaving in less than a week. Jena darn you, you had to ruin my happy coming back. So the day cam. I helped her pack, at breakfast, and watched her drive down the road and out of sight. Gosh that was hard. I am still trying to figure out if there are any good things in goodbye. I have only really thought of one. Being able to say goodbye allows you to run towards each other and make a scene when you do see each other once again. Although doing that with a country might be difficult, but don’t think for a minute I won’t figure out a way to make one lol. The sad part though, is that in less than a year I will have a lot of goodbyes to say. Some will be forever, some lead to the oh so wonderful “making a scene” hellos!!

Thoughts

So I was talking with my friend Chris about a month or so ago. In our discussion I was talking about how I dislike art with no subject matter, or art that I feel is cluttered. I like art that has a clear subject that it is wanting to relay something to me. Chris started to try to diagnose me and stated that maybe I like art with a clear subject because I feel misunderstood all the time. At the time I was slightly offended and completely disregarded his statement. But after having some time to think on it, I do feel he was getting close to something. It is not so much that I feel misunderstood as in “no one understands me!” kinda way, but more in “I want you to completely understand what I am saying” kinda way. Does that even make sense now? Mostly I always feel like people misunderstand my motives for the things I say or do. That may not be true, but that is how I feel. Example: I have a friend who just got a job being a waiter. I know from talking to him that he has had a hard time with getting tips. So when a friend I went and ate there and had him as our waiter I left him a large tip. Later that night I saw him again and asked him how work was and did he get  lot of tips. After the conversation I was just like “crap, now he probably thinks I was trying to get him to notice the tip I left him”. I honestly was just wondering whether that night was better than the nights before. I felt like in that moment that he was thinking that the only reason that i mentioned that was because I wanted to praised for the tip I left or something, but that isn’t true at all. I was just sincerely interested in how his night went

Another example:  As most of you may know I recently started a new job at Chickfila in Tiger Town. Most people view me as an extrovert which is very true when I am around people I know and feel comfortable with. but usually when I am in a strange environment with no one I know, i am extremely introverted and insecure. People at the place were treating me like I didn’t know anything about the job and most of the people that were just employees had a very pompous attitude in telling me how to do things, even though I had worked at another store for 2 years consecutive and 2 on and off during breaks. Needless to say I was slightly annoyed by the attitude they spoke to me with. It felt like they were trying to belittle me. In return I began to feel even more insecure about myself and whether or not I really knew how to do things. Eventually I got fed up and started to joke around. when someone would ask and the belittling tone, “can you bag by yourself?” I would reply ” I am the best bagger I know”.  This might have been in jest of the way they were saying things, but at the time it was the only way I knew to save my confidence from falling even more. I admit I may have said that one to many times in different instance, but it was mostly to help me with my confidence. not some of the people in the store view as a little arrogant. I don’t know maybe I am, but the only reason I came across this way was because they made me feel insecure and that was the only way I felt I could be more confident. I mean I know how to practicaly do everything in the store, why did their attitude make me feel so insecure?

Anyway now I don’t even remember the point of me posting this. Maybe you will now have a slightly better understanding of who I am?

My hectic life… ok not really

So this isn’t to complain or anything, in fact I think it is kinda funny. So to prepare for going on a mission trip this summer (if you are interested in supporting me PLEASE let me know!) I decided I needed to get a job. I also might run out of loan money soon and that would leave me with nothing to pay rent. I began to apply to different places and no one was calling me back. I did the only thing I could, I offered my expertise to chickfila on magnolia. For those of you who don’t know I worked at chickfila all through highschool and then I still worked there when I went home on breaks from Auburn. A part of me, I am sure, thought it was too good ffor chickfila. Another part was just tired of chickfila and wanted a change. Basically I waited until Icould wait no longer to apply at chickfila. I was suppose to talk to their GM about transfering but we kept missing each other. I went in one day to meet him and he had already left, just my luck. I was about to walk out when another manager came up to me and asked why I needed the GM. I told him and his immediate response was “What am I not good enough?” jokingly of course. So I told him what was going on and he put me in the schedual and told me to come in on Monday at 2. *note at this point I had yet to have a real conversation with the GM and I told the manager that*. Later that day I was hanging out with kelly. I told her I had this strange feeling that things wouldn’t work out so well over at the CFA (chickfila) on magnolia. We laughed about it and went on or merry way. So monday comes and wouldn’t you know it, on my way to work I am hit by this truck. I was going about 8mph looking for the turn into the employee parking, which is very well hidden. He was going probably about the same coming out of his driveway. Now it wasn’t bad and I wasn’t angry, I was just a little frustraited. So I pull over and ask for his name and number, I couldn’t call the police because I had my first day of work in less than 10 minuets.  Anyway he went his way and I went mine. I finally show up to work and the GM looks at me and says “Who’s this guy” my very first though was “crap”… I just wanted to turn around and walk out. The manager walks up and tells the GM that he hired me, they give me something to go put in my car so I don’t get towed. I walk out and come back in and the office door is closed with the GM and the Manager having a very intense discussion. the GM walks out pats me on the back and the Manager calls me in. He tells me there has been a mistake and that they can’t take me. He then proceeded to tell me that they could give me about 5 hours a week if I really needed it, and I could try to find poeple to work for. I told him no thanks and then he offered to call the other CFA in tigertown. I said sure why not because I was already thinking of driving over there after this fiasco. So the GM from the Tigertown CFA comes by and we talk. He tells me to come by tuesday around 10 for an interview. I show up have the interview and leave. I decided to stop by kroger and get food while I was over there. Not even 10 mins after leaving the GM from Tigertown calls and says they want to hire me, I start Firday at 6 in the morning. That was two days ago. This morning I woke up and not 5 mins after getting up the GM calls me and ask if I want to come into today at 11, I said sure. Now none this is meant to be complaining, and I don’t mind going in at 6 in the morning or at 11 today. I just thought it was funny with what all that happened. Oh and here is a pic of my car with a wonderful new ding!

Pastel for Kristal

Ok so here is another pastel. I actually finished it a couple of days ago I just never got a chance to get it up. I also am almost done with another one, but I am sure it will never see the light of day. It just didn’t turn out the way I wanted it too 😦   This one was done for my friend Kristal who sent me my favorite honey all the way from Montana!